"Why do I react like that?" – How family scripts shape the way we parent

15 Feb

Have you ever caught yourself responding to your child and wondered:

"Where did that come from?"

Perhaps you found yourself saying something you remember hearing as a child.

Or perhaps you reacted in exactly the opposite way because you were determined your children would have a different experience from the one you had.

If so, you're certainly not alone.

Parenting has a remarkable way of reconnecting us with our own childhoods. Sometimes we find ourselves continuing traditions, values and ways of relating that we treasure. At other times, we notice ourselves repeating patterns we thought we'd left behind—or working incredibly hard to avoid them.

The good news? None of this means you're destined to parent in the same way you were parented.

It simply means that we are all shaped by the relationships and experiences that came before us.

We all inherit family scripts

Systemic psychotherapist John Byng-Hall described family scripts as the patterns, beliefs and expectations that are passed from one generation to the next.

These scripts aren't written down anywhere.

They're learned through everyday life.

Through the things that were said—and sometimes the things that weren't.

Through what was celebrated, criticised, encouraged or avoided.

They influence how we think about ourselves, relationships and family life.

Some examples might be:

"Just get on with it."
"Don't talk about feelings."
"Family always comes first."
"Education is everything."
"Be independent."
"Always help other people."

Some of these messages continue to serve us throughout our lives.

Others may no longer fit the family we want to create.

Parenting is influenced by more than our childhood

It's tempting to think that parenting is simply about repeating—or rejecting—the way we were brought up.

In reality, it's much more complex than that.

The opportunities, pressures and expectations facing each generation are different.

Many people find themselves thinking:

"My parents didn't have the opportunities I have."

Or:

"I didn't have the opportunities or resources my children have today."

Perhaps our parents were juggling different financial pressures, social expectations or ideas about parenting. Perhaps we are parenting in a world of smartphones, social media, rising living costs and information available at the touch of a button—something previous generations never had to navigate.

Every generation parents within the context of its own time.

Recognising this doesn't excuse experiences that were hurtful or harmful, but it can help us develop a fuller understanding of the context in which our families lived.

Understanding rather than blaming

One of the things I value about systemic thinking is that it encourages curiosity before judgement.

Rather than asking:

"Who got it wrong?"

I often wonder:

"What made sense at the time?"

Most parents and caregivers do the best they can with the knowledge, support and resources available to them.

That doesn't mean every experience was positive.

Nor does it mean we have to repeat what came before.

But understanding the wider picture often creates more room for compassion—both for ourselves and for those who came before us.

We have choices

Family scripts are influential, but they are not fixed.

We can choose to carry forward the parts that helped us.

We can question the beliefs that no longer fit.

We can create new ways of communicating, repairing relationships and supporting one another.

Every family writes its own story.

The chapters that came before us matter, but they don't have to determine every chapter that follows.

Looking at the whole picture

In therapy, I'm interested in understanding the wider story.

The relationships that have shaped you.

The messages you received growing up.

The values you want to hold on to.

And the ones you'd like to rewrite.

Because making sense of where we've come from often helps us become more intentional about where we're going.

After all, we can't rewrite our childhood—but we can influence the relationships we're building today.