We all wear glasses (we Just forget we’ve got them on)
Have you ever been convinced that your way of seeing the world is simply… reality? I know I have.
Whether it's believing that everyone should stack the dishwasher properly, that replying to emails within 24 hours is completely reasonable, or that tea genuinely does solve most problems (I'm standing by that one), we all carry assumptions about the world without always realising it.
As a systemic psychotherapist, one of the things I find fascinating is that none of us arrives in therapy—or in life—as a blank sheet of paper. We all bring our histories, relationships, cultures, identities, experiences and beliefs with us. They shape how we understand ourselves, the people around us and the stories we tell about what is happening.
This is one of the reasons I value two ideas that have greatly influenced my practice: Burnham's Social GRACES and Kimberlé Crenshaw's concept of intersectionality.
What are the Social GRACES?
The Social GRACES is a framework developed by systemic psychotherapist John Burnham to help us think about the many aspects of identity that influence our lives and relationships.
GRACES is an acronym that encourages us to consider:
Gender
Geography
Race
Religion
Age
Ability
Appearance
Class
Culture
Education
Ethnicity
Employment
Sexuality
Sexual orientation
Spirituality
Over the years, the framework has continued to evolve as practitioners have reflected on the many different identities and experiences that shape people's lives.
I also like to think about accent.
As someone who grew up in Liverpool, my Scouse accent has been part of my identity for as long as I can remember. It has shaped how people have perceived me—and, at times, the assumptions they have made before they've had the chance to know me. For some, a Scouse accent brings warmth, humour and familiarity. For others, it may evoke stereotypes or unconscious biases. None of us is immune to making assumptions based on the information we have.
Our accents, like so many parts of our identity, can tell a story about where we've come from, the communities we're connected to, and the experiences that have shaped us. They can be a source of pride, belonging and connection, but they can also influence how we are heard by others.
The important point isn't remembering every letter of the Social GRACES (I'll admit I occasionally have to remind myself). It's remembering to stay curious about the experiences that have shaped each person—including ourselves—and to recognise that there is always more to someone's story than first impressions.
And what about intersectionality?
Professor Kimberlé Crenshaw introduced the concept of intersectionality to help explain that our identities don't exist separately from one another.
We don't experience being a woman on Monday, disabled on Tuesday and working class on Wednesday. Our identities overlap and interact. For example, two people may both be experiencing menopause, but their experience may be very different depending on factors such as ethnicity, disability, sexuality, financial circumstances, culture, faith or whether they have supportive relationships around them.
Intersectionality reminds us that there is no "typical" experience.
Why does this matter in therapy?
One of my favourite questions in therapy is:
"What might I be missing?"
Not because I expect clients to have the answer, but because it reminds me to stay curious. Sometimes what initially appears to be anxiety turns out to be grief. Sometimes what looks like conflict is actually fear. Sometimes what feels like "I'm failing" is really someone carrying expectations that were never theirs to begin with.
Our identities, relationships and life experiences all influence how we make sense of the world.
Curiosity beats assumptions
As therapists, we all wear metaphorical glasses. They help us see, but they can also influence what we notice—and what we miss. The aim isn't to take the glasses off altogether (I'm not sure that's possible). Instead, it's to become aware that we're wearing them.
I hope I bring that curiosity into every conversation. Rather than assuming I know what your experience means, I'd much rather ask, listen and explore it with you. After all, you're the expert on your life. My role is to think alongside you, helping us make sense of the many pieces that make up your story. And yes, sometimes that includes laughing together when life feels wonderfully, frustratingly and beautifully human.
Further reading
Burnham, J. (2013). Developments in Social GGRRAAACCEEESSS: A framework for reflection. Context, 125, 39–43.
Crenshaw, K. (1991). Mapping the Margins: Intersectionality, Identity Politics, and Violence against Women of Color. Stanford Law Review, 43(6), 1241–1299.